I Hope...

Dear Ryan...

          I hope this isn't stupid.

          I'm hoping that maybe writing this will help me fix everything. Sometimes, there's just all this stuff that I want to say to you, but it's stupid and wrong. Tonight I miss you. I haven't in a couple days...which shouldn't be a big deal. But every time, it makes me scared again. It's true-I'm afraid of being alone.

You know, I saw a movie tonight; part drama, part action, part romance. Those make me afraid too. 'Cause after I parked the car and was walking up the hill alone, I realized, not for the first time, that if something happened to me...if I was abducted, assaulted, or if I just disappeared of my own accord, it could easily be days before anyone knew I was gone. That is my definition of alone. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long before someone comes looking. I want that person to be you. I know I'm a dramatic, eccentric, childish fool of a girl. I know I ask too much and I make big deals out of small occurrences. But I once fell in love with you. Remember? It took over a year of you trying. But one day, I told you I loved you while under the stars. From that day, I have loved more than I know how to say. I love fiercly, passionatly, and with a kind of blind abandon that is sure to kill me one day...And my affections do not wane. They do not fluxuate. Somedays, I hate you. But even then, there is nothing on this Earth I wouldn't give to keep things the way they were.

So, tonight I miss you. I wish it would go away. But it won't...and that's okay. Tomorrow's a new day...and if I'm still silent, perhaps I will hope again.

Love,

~E