Tonight I hate...

Dear Ryan...

          Tonight I hate you.

          I think about where we are now versus where we were a year ago.  A year ago, I'm not sure if we were speaking to each other, but at least I knew why.  A year ago, the wound was still fresh, and I kept picking at the scab hoping that it would be fake.  A year ago I hated you, but not like I do now; not like this.  

They say love is patient and kind.  I say love is the ultimate contradiction.  To love something is to set it free; Yet, to love is to destroy.  To love is to protect and preserve, but only those we truly love have the power to hurt us.  

So, when I tell you that I hate you, it is only because I'm still in love with you...the ultimate contradiction.  And I don't know what to do about it.

Love,

~E

I Can't Explain...

Dear Ryan...

         I can't explain how horrid it feels to be most afraid as an adult of the same thing you feared as a child.  It's terrifying to your very core, because it in itself is the realization that all the monsters under the bed may actually still be lurking under my 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, just as they were under my cotton teddy bear blanket.  I fear most being alone.  Man was not meant to be alone.  Or woman either.  They were meant to be together.  Isn't that why they fit?  Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, physiologically, and in all ways together. People were built for fellowship, amongst themselves and God.  Can you have one without the other?  I just fear that one day, I'm going to wake up having been caught standing sleeping. What then?  How am I supposed to survive all on my own when no one will hear me crying out from my room at 3:00 in the morning with a neverending list of things to do, but a never liberating weight on all that is my will to move?  When will it end, Ryan?  When will it end?  We made so many promises to each other.  Now they're nothing but meaningless...seemingly meaningless.  Qualifiers are wonderful, aren't they? 

         My life is chaos.  I wish I could say it was all your fault.  But, I know it's not.  We both dealt cards in this game, and I'm not sure if either of us won anything.  Although what I call being alone, maybe you call freedom.  After all, that's the American Dream, right?  The freedom to choose where to live, what to worship, and whom to love–isn't that what we all want?  Not me.  I just want to be someone to somebody who is someone to me.  In the end, is that really too much to ask?

Love,

~E  

I Hope...

Dear Ryan...

          I hope this isn't stupid.

          I'm hoping that maybe writing this will help me fix everything. Sometimes, there's just all this stuff that I want to say to you, but it's stupid and wrong. Tonight I miss you. I haven't in a couple days...which shouldn't be a big deal. But every time, it makes me scared again. It's true-I'm afraid of being alone.

You know, I saw a movie tonight; part drama, part action, part romance. Those make me afraid too. 'Cause after I parked the car and was walking up the hill alone, I realized, not for the first time, that if something happened to me...if I was abducted, assaulted, or if I just disappeared of my own accord, it could easily be days before anyone knew I was gone. That is my definition of alone. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long before someone comes looking. I want that person to be you. I know I'm a dramatic, eccentric, childish fool of a girl. I know I ask too much and I make big deals out of small occurrences. But I once fell in love with you. Remember? It took over a year of you trying. But one day, I told you I loved you while under the stars. From that day, I have loved more than I know how to say. I love fiercly, passionatly, and with a kind of blind abandon that is sure to kill me one day...And my affections do not wane. They do not fluxuate. Somedays, I hate you. But even then, there is nothing on this Earth I wouldn't give to keep things the way they were.

So, tonight I miss you. I wish it would go away. But it won't...and that's okay. Tomorrow's a new day...and if I'm still silent, perhaps I will hope again.

Love,

~E

I Just Want To Say...

Ryan:
To Ryan,
My Dearest Ryan.
Dear Ryan...


         I just want to say, that I'm not sure how it happened.  I need you to know that I'm not sure why people fall out of love, but I forgive you for not loving me right now.  It's a big thing–to love another human.  The "L" word.  What's that song lyric?  "Those three words are said too much, but not enough"?  I think maybe that's why you have nothing to say, and I have everything.  Because love gives you words.  And, when they run out, so does the love.  I know you'll most likely never read these letters.  And, that's okay too.  But, I have too many words left to leave them sitting in my head; they put too much pressure on my tear ducts, you see...and no one wants that.  


        So, I'm writing you these letters, to get the words out of my head–out of my heart–off my chest.  They're not much, I'm afraid, but they're all I have left to give.  You won't take my love or my friendship, so I offer you my words, pure and broken and sappy as they may be.  Maybe one day, Ry, we'll figure it all out...and I hope we do.  Until then, I just want to say that I still love you.  For now, that will have to be enough.


Sincerely,
Yours,
Always,
Love,
Love,
~E