I Can't Explain...

Dear Ryan...

         I can't explain how horrid it feels to be most afraid as an adult of the same thing you feared as a child.  It's terrifying to your very core, because it in itself is the realization that all the monsters under the bed may actually still be lurking under my 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, just as they were under my cotton teddy bear blanket.  I fear most being alone.  Man was not meant to be alone.  Or woman either.  They were meant to be together.  Isn't that why they fit?  Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, physiologically, and in all ways together. People were built for fellowship, amongst themselves and God.  Can you have one without the other?  I just fear that one day, I'm going to wake up having been caught standing sleeping. What then?  How am I supposed to survive all on my own when no one will hear me crying out from my room at 3:00 in the morning with a neverending list of things to do, but a never liberating weight on all that is my will to move?  When will it end, Ryan?  When will it end?  We made so many promises to each other.  Now they're nothing but meaningless...seemingly meaningless.  Qualifiers are wonderful, aren't they? 

         My life is chaos.  I wish I could say it was all your fault.  But, I know it's not.  We both dealt cards in this game, and I'm not sure if either of us won anything.  Although what I call being alone, maybe you call freedom.  After all, that's the American Dream, right?  The freedom to choose where to live, what to worship, and whom to love–isn't that what we all want?  Not me.  I just want to be someone to somebody who is someone to me.  In the end, is that really too much to ask?

Love,

~E